This Was a Hard Transition

I was told my hair was going to start falling out at week 2. I guess I assumed she meant my second round of chemo. Nope. I had chemo. Felt yucky for the first week, though not as bad as I had expected. And then on week 2, just as I had been warned, it started coming out.

The first time was in the shower. I was shampooing my hair and my hands were covered. Not gonna lie. I freaked out and screamed for Clayton. He came rushing in fearing I was hurt. And I was, but not in the physical sense. My insides felt crushed though. From there it started coming out by the handful for the next week.

Before I lost too much, we had a family photo shoot with Photography by Shaye Leigh. I wanted to capture one last time looking like myself- The way I see me when I look in the mirror. Though it is likely to grow back, it may not look like this.

Turning to God

This required serious Jesus power. I had been told it was going to be hard, but I was still thrown. Many tears were shed with each hair that came out. Lots of fear. What if I am ugly? What if my husband can’t stand looking at me? What if it looks scary to my kids? Won’t people be uncomfortable seeing me like this? Will I be treated differently when I look “sick”? So much anxiety. So much fear.

Isaiah 43:1-3 Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God.

Isaiah 43:10 “You are my witnesses” says the Lord, and my servant whom I have chosen. That you may know and believe me, and understand that I am He.

Luke 12: 22-23 And He said to His disciples, “therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food and the body is more than clothing (and I would say that includes hair)

Isn’t This What I Had Been Asking For

So many of my prayers are me asking God to use me. To show me where I can grow. To serve Him and reach others about His amazing Grace. Now I find myself in a spot where I am humbled. Left feeling weak and vulnerable. Publicly on display like never before. This may be the very moment I have been praying for. The Bible warned we would have trials, and we are going to suffer in this broken world. One of the reasons we suffer is so we can comfort others the way God comforts us (2 Corinthians 1:2-3). I know this cancer diagnosis has purpose. What if this is a moment where I am teaching my kids about how to suffer? I want them to suffer well, knowing God is in control. I want them to be content in all circumstances (2 Corinthians 12:9-10), trusting God through it all. Well by golly, I better get up off the ground, dust myself off, and show what is possible with God’s strength.

Wig shopping

God has proven He is with me throughout this cancer adventure. Get a load of this. The day before I was diagnosed, My mom had asked me to go with her to a wig shop. Her hair has been thinning over the past few years and she was considering a wig. I happily accepted her invitation.

While we were there, we learned about construction, types, brands, styles, and color. We had a fun time. But what really struck me while I was there, was something much bigger. I knew there was something powerful going on while we were there. We met a few beautiful women that shared their experience, and the woman that runs the shop is truly an angel. She devotes so much time to making each woman feel special and beautiful. I cried when I left there. Not sad tears really. But I was overcome with God’s presence. I didn’t realize until the next day, when I got the phone call about having cancer, that we were actually there for me. God had definitely used my mom as a tool that day. She didn’t even get anything. I think we were being introduced to the idea through my brave and loving mother.

So just as my hair was at it’s end, my mom and sister in law (and best friend) Michelle, joined me back at the wig shop.

Thankfully, being there with my besties made the whole experience less painful, and dare I say enjoyable? I didn’t get any of these pieces, but they all showed me something about fit or construction. I ended up ordering this wig, but not in the lilac color as shown. I had to choose the color from a tiny swatch, but hopefully it will be my natural color.

God Sends Me Messages

God is truly amazing. He will find ways to speak to us if we are open to hear what He has to say. For the days leading up to the big shave, my social media feeds were FULL of messages about strength, bravery, and faith. They were a huge help, and although I was reading them on my facebook page, I knew they were being sent by God himself.

Time for the Shave

Okay, it was time to get out the clippers! We tried to make the best of it. We set up a stool on the deck on this unusually warm April day. Blue skies and sunshine automatically make things better. We put some Zac Brown on the radio, another thing that makes everything better. We opted to play with the hair first, and try out a few styles. You know: a comb over, a mullet, a few others that do not, nor should ever be given names. Clay was hilarious. I have been cutting his hair for over 25 years and he loves to instruct me the whole time. It turns out it is more difficult than he thought.

It wasn’t it all laughs. There were some tears.

I have been told over and over again that I am strong, but if I am going to suffer well, I have to set the story straight. I am not. I am weak. In fact, I am a blubbering baby. When you see me being strong, that is God.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was give to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, most gladly, I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

So instead of telling me I am strong, let’s give praise where it is deserved, and instead let’s praise god.