One Little Word

My one little word for 2023 is CELEBRATE, and the assignment in my Ali Edwards Scrapbooking community for April was to photograph moments where your word showed up. I am blessed in so many ways, so I was able to capture many moments and loved ones that are worth celebrating.

Celebrate Through Photos

The next step is to document and reflect on these moments; to tell my story. This has proven to be more of a challenge because I am not sure if I lived through any of these moments without tears. I have cried a lot this month and really did not “celebrate” in any of these captions. There has been a shadow of darkness and heaviness. This has been an internal struggle. I see and know that I have so much to celebrate and to be grateful for. I have faith and trust God. And yet, I am full of sorrow. Sadness. Loss.

I slap on a smile, but my insides are often crushed. My mind and heart are in a constant battle.

I know God is with me and in control, so I don’t want to complain. Philippians 2:14-15 “Do all things without murmuring and disputing that you may become blameless and harmless children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.”

But I also want to cry out to Him for help. Psalm 55:16-17 “As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice.”

It is hard to distinguish that line. How can I voice these feelings to Him and to others, without it being a complaint?

He Speaks to Me

I have been reading The Call to Joy and Pain by Ajith Fernando. Today the Lord spoke to me through this book, to help me sort out this battle. In chapter four the author says that in order for us to experience joy in the midst of pain, we may first need to lament. “Often before we rejoice amidst pain we need to mourn or lament or express our pain in some such way.” He goes on to say, “The laments are cries of the righteous who despite their faithfulness are going through great hardship.” He points out that a little over a third of the Psalms are classified as laments, as well as the entire book of Lamentations over the destruction of Jerusalem.

These words gave me relief. They gave me peace. I so badly want to suffer well and not complain, yet here I was given permission to hurt. God knows I am hurting. He even expects me to be expressing my hurt.

I want to be honest. I want to be honest with God (He already knows anyway), and I want to be honest with my loved ones and fellow Christians. I don’t know if my pain will help others, but I do know it will be used for purpose. So if anyone can gain something from my vulnerability, I will share.

“We must remember that with personal laments we usually lament to God and to his people. When we do that we open ourselves to God’s comfort which he directly gives to us or which he mediates through his people.”

John 16:20

I will be meditating on John 16:20. ” Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy.”

My circumstances are hard. I don’t have to pretend they aren’t. I will allow myself to lament, and be careful not to complain. I will allow myself to be comforted by others and I will seek out the comfort from Jesus, my savior. I will give myself the grace that God has already extended to me, and allow these feelings to evolve from sorrow to joy. And I will celebrate. I will celebrate the fact that God is sovereign and He has given me all that I need.

Prayer

Dear Lord, oh mighty God. I come before you humbled and broken. I know you love me and are in control. I know you have a plan for me and my circumstances. I want to put all of my faith in you and trust in your promises. I don’t want to complain or have my words be any indication of doubt. You have blessed me beyond measure and I have so much to be thankful for, and yet my heart is full of sorrow. Despite your presence and being surrounded by so many amazing people, I often feel lonely. I am mourning what once was and overwhelmed with loss. My heart has moments of bitterness. I don’t want to deny my hurt and close the door to your comforts. I am so thankful for the people you have put in my life, that text, call, visit, and pray for me. Lord, soften my heart so I welcome such comforts. Help me to not perceive my feelings as weakness, but to embrace the growing pains. Forgive me for my negativity and help me to celebrate this journey. Be the source of my strength, comfort, and joy. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.