One Day Alone

It was Sunday. One week and two days after my first round of chemo. I don’t know why I woke up with a chip on my shoulder. I don’t know what made this day different from the ones before it, but for some reason I chose to go about my day alone. Not alone. I was with my husband and visited with my son. But I opted to not take God along.

I didn’t pray. I didn’t read my Bible. I thought about it, but you would have thought that book on my end table was on fire by the way I avoided it. I just didn’t feel like it. So what did I do instead? I cried. I cried on and off all day. I cried over my lack of energy. I cried about the thought of losing my hair. I cried about my unknown future. I cried that I was eating vegetables instead of a fried chicken sandwich from Burger King. And though my day was sprinkled with blessings, they were shadowed by the darkness that had crept in.

Do Over

The next day, I vowed to not repeat the same mistake. I watched an “episode” of Church. Thankfully, Quidnesset Baptist Church has sermons available on YouTube. One wasn’t enough to arm me for the day, so I watched a second. I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for being foolish and going about a day on my own. I praised God for being who He is. I thanked Him for his strength. I thanked Him for his grace. I thanked him for loving me and helping me, even when I am not letting Him in. I cried again. Ugly cry. The kind where I had tears and boogers. But this time it wasn’t because I was sad. This time it was because I was confessing my weakness and humbling myself before the mighty God that created me. And you know what happened? God. That’s what happened. I no sooner said Amen and I was taken over by his presence. I dried my face. I made a “To Do” list, and “adulted” all day, making phone calls and emails that I had been avoiding.

What Does the Bible Say?

It turns out, it wasn’t a chip on my shoulder, but I am a cracked piece of pottery. 2 Corinthians 4:6-10 For God, who said “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

Paul David Tripp says the following about that passage: “We were created to be fragile, because God wants to accomplish something good through our fragility. He allows us to be cracked so we will finally get the fact that hope and security are never found by what’s in us but only by what’s in him. In order to accomplish this, he has to put us in situations where we can’t make it on the basis of our strength and wisdom but instinctively reach out for help instead. The picture of cracked vessels with treasure shining through the cracks is a picture of being filled. Suffering causes us to really know who we are and who God is and to begin to really celebrate what we’ve been given. God doesn’t always fill your crack but often uses your cracks to fill you up with a sense of his presence, grace, and glory.

Today

I started today the same as yesterday: online church, Bible reading, and prayer. The result? I feel like a million bucks. Is that even a lot anymore? I don’t know, but I feel amazing!

Cancer? What cancer? Today I am not a cancer patient. Today I am a child of God. An Heir to the throne in Heaven. Why did I try to go it alone? I have no idea. But I am thankful God has shown me, once again, that his presence, grace, and glory are more than enough.