My personal struggles Archives - Melissa’s Faith Walk

Category: My personal struggles

Medical Update

July 4, 2023July 4, 2023
by Melissa

Recovering From Surgery

I now have four chemo treatments under my belt, two in Providence and two at Dana Farber. Two weeks ago today, on June 20th, I underwent surgery at Brigham and Women’s in Boston. Clayton brought me and had been told to expect the surgery to last about 6 hours. He didn’t get an update until hour 8 and surgery went on for another two hours. My surgical team said they got out all visible cancer cells when they removed my ovaries, tubes, omentum, appendix, spleen, and part of my colon.

I had been prepared before surgery that a colostomy bag would be likely, but the Lord answered my prayers, and all of my intestines were able to be reconstructed and reconnected. No bag!

Surgery was on a Tuesday, and I came home on Sunday. Since then my mobility has been restored and I feel really good. My greatest challenge is moving my bowels as everything has to figure out what to do in its new roll or location. I am also administering a shot to myself each day to reduce the risk of blood clots.

Going Forward

The plan has been to continue with chemo for another two or three treatments to destroy any lingering cancer cells that were hidden or too small to detect. Unfortunately, there is a drug shortage and the carboplatin that I have been getting is no longer available. From what I understand, they may be able to get access to Cisplatin to take its place. I go to Dana Farber tomorrow and will learn more about that and what we will be doing next.

Pity Party

I would be lying if I did not say I have found myself falling into a pity party on occasion. More than once I have found myself saying, “Why Me?” or “I didn’t sign up for this.” I have had some dark days, and I have had days filled with hope. In all of my days I have felt loved by my Heavenly Father and my family and friends. But this is a lot to digest and very difficult to comprehend.

In the weeks leading up to my surgery, I was lead to Galatians 5:22-23, but it was a version I was not familiar with.

Longsuffering?

This verse said Longsuffering was a fruit of the spirit. But I had done a study on the Fruits of the Spirit back in 2015, so I pulled up my notes. Patience. The version I had studied used PATIENCE, but this was using LONGSUFFERING. I guess in my ignorance, I was defining patience as remaining calm while parenting, and avoiding road rage. I hadn’t considered it enduring pain over a long period of time. Makes sense though. No one has suffered like our savior, Jesus Christ. It makes sense that we learn to suffer in order to be molded into Christ’s image.

Mold Me and Use Me

It is this scripture that would often pull me from my pity party. I did sign up for this. Over and over I have asked the Lord to prune me and mold me. I have begged the Lord to use me as a steward. I often envision a conversation with God to help me endure (almost with pleasure but I am not quite there).

Me: God, why me? I didn’t sign up for this.

God: I have told you that I have a plan for your suffering. A plan for good. What if I told you that your suffering would bring your loved ones closer to me. Would you agree to undergo the pain?

Me: Well, yes, of course. I have been praying for years that some of my nonbelieving loved ones would seek you.

God: And what if I told you that Cassidie, Zachary, and many others are watching you. Watching to see how you deal with this pain. Watching to see if you leave me or turn from me. What if they are learning from you right now, so they one day will know how to deal with their own trials. Would you agree to suffer this out then, knowing you are a roll model?

Me: Absolutely. I guess I sign up. I have faith you will use this for good and I put all my trust in you.

Sins revealed

In this process of the Great Potter shaping me into who He wants me to be, I have also learned a few things about myself. Some of my sins have been revealed to me. Pride. All too often I find myself proud, as if I am responsible for some praiseworthy act or thought. The counter parts to pride are shame and blame, usually toward myself. I am self reliant when I should be handing over my loads to the Lord that loves me. I have learned I have serious control issues and even try to take control from God, as if I know best. And even though I know Jesus Christ has taken my sins to the cross, I still find myself trying to earn my way to Him, even though it doesn’t work that way. I have always been careful to show gratitude, but realize there is plenty I have taken for granted. I am still in the learning stage of these revelations, as I am a work in progress.

Thankful

Since my surgery, I have had difficulty expressing my gratitude to my Heavenly Father. I have been so humbled. Saying “thank you” seems so insignificant to what He has done for me.

As I prepared for surgery, my prayer was this: Lord, I pray for a miracle. I pray that I leave this surgery cancer free and without a colostomy bag. I pray this body work the way you intended. But if that is not your will, I pray that my faith remain strong, and that I put all my trust in you.”

I am one step closer to being cancer free, by insides are on the inside where they belong, and I am feeling good. He answered my prayers and “thank you” seems like it is just not enough.

That is what brings me here today. I need the world to know the God that I know. I could not do any of this without Him. God’s presence has been strong every moment, even when it has been hard, painful, disappointing, and dark. I have never doubted his Love. I pray the strength that people see, point in the direction of my Heavenly Father. All the glory to Him.

To my fellow Christians, please join me in a prayer of thanks. Thank the Lord for answering my prayers and lifting this broken body. And to my friends that do not know Christ as their Savior, please. I beg you. Get to know your creator. Life is hard, but much easier when you have the strength, comfort, peace and joy that can only come from faith.

My personal struggles

Lamenting While Celebrating

May 7, 2023May 7, 2023
by Melissa

One Little Word

My one little word for 2023 is CELEBRATE, and the assignment in my Ali Edwards Scrapbooking community for April was to photograph moments where your word showed up. I am blessed in so many ways, so I was able to capture many moments and loved ones that are worth celebrating.

Celebrate Through Photos

The next step is to document and reflect on these moments; to tell my story. This has proven to be more of a challenge because I am not sure if I lived through any of these moments without tears. I have cried a lot this month and really did not “celebrate” in any of these captions. There has been a shadow of darkness and heaviness. This has been an internal struggle. I see and know that I have so much to celebrate and to be grateful for. I have faith and trust God. And yet, I am full of sorrow. Sadness. Loss.

I slap on a smile, but my insides are often crushed. My mind and heart are in a constant battle.

I know God is with me and in control, so I don’t want to complain. Philippians 2:14-15 “Do all things without murmuring and disputing that you may become blameless and harmless children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.”

But I also want to cry out to Him for help. Psalm 55:16-17 “As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice.”

It is hard to distinguish that line. How can I voice these feelings to Him and to others, without it being a complaint?

He Speaks to Me

I have been reading The Call to Joy and Pain by Ajith Fernando. Today the Lord spoke to me through this book, to help me sort out this battle. In chapter four the author says that in order for us to experience joy in the midst of pain, we may first need to lament. “Often before we rejoice amidst pain we need to mourn or lament or express our pain in some such way.” He goes on to say, “The laments are cries of the righteous who despite their faithfulness are going through great hardship.” He points out that a little over a third of the Psalms are classified as laments, as well as the entire book of Lamentations over the destruction of Jerusalem.

These words gave me relief. They gave me peace. I so badly want to suffer well and not complain, yet here I was given permission to hurt. God knows I am hurting. He even expects me to be expressing my hurt.

I want to be honest. I want to be honest with God (He already knows anyway), and I want to be honest with my loved ones and fellow Christians. I don’t know if my pain will help others, but I do know it will be used for purpose. So if anyone can gain something from my vulnerability, I will share.

“We must remember that with personal laments we usually lament to God and to his people. When we do that we open ourselves to God’s comfort which he directly gives to us or which he mediates through his people.”

John 16:20

I will be meditating on John 16:20. ” Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy.”

My circumstances are hard. I don’t have to pretend they aren’t. I will allow myself to lament, and be careful not to complain. I will allow myself to be comforted by others and I will seek out the comfort from Jesus, my savior. I will give myself the grace that God has already extended to me, and allow these feelings to evolve from sorrow to joy. And I will celebrate. I will celebrate the fact that God is sovereign and He has given me all that I need.

Prayer

Dear Lord, oh mighty God. I come before you humbled and broken. I know you love me and are in control. I know you have a plan for me and my circumstances. I want to put all of my faith in you and trust in your promises. I don’t want to complain or have my words be any indication of doubt. You have blessed me beyond measure and I have so much to be thankful for, and yet my heart is full of sorrow. Despite your presence and being surrounded by so many amazing people, I often feel lonely. I am mourning what once was and overwhelmed with loss. My heart has moments of bitterness. I don’t want to deny my hurt and close the door to your comforts. I am so thankful for the people you have put in my life, that text, call, visit, and pray for me. Lord, soften my heart so I welcome such comforts. Help me to not perceive my feelings as weakness, but to embrace the growing pains. Forgive me for my negativity and help me to celebrate this journey. Be the source of my strength, comfort, and joy. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

My personal struggles

God is Bigger Than a Chicken Sandwich

April 21, 2023April 21, 2023
by Melissa

This Might Be Messy

This post might be messy. I say that because as I warned in my front page of this site, I am not an expert or a theologian. What I am is a follower of Christ, and thankfully, He speaks to me in a way I understand and meets me where I am. This week, that happened to be in a Burger King Drive-thru..

I hadn’t realized it, but since my cancer diagnosis, I have been on the search for control. The doctor had said to stay away from red meat and raw fish, and anything with mold. Those were pretty much the only restrictions, but I had heard a plant based diet has shown improvements in cancer treatment, so I was off and running. Looking up recipes, subscribing to a meal plan, cooking and eating things I don’t normally eat. The pros to this, I know I am doing something good for my body. The cons, I am constantly hungry, I poop alot, and my blood sugar feels wonky. I wasn’t feeling great, but I was taking care of myself.

At the same time, I had been craving an original chicken sandwich from Burger King. Why? I have no idea. My daughter reminded me that was my “go to” when I was pregnant with her, and I don’t even know if I have had once since then, twenty-six years ago. But that was what my body was wanting. I caved, and got and ate most of the sandwich. I felt better, but it wasn’t until time in my Bible that Jesus explained it to me.

Quidnessett Baptist Church

The next morning I watched an online sermon titled God’s Sovereignty and Human Suffering through Quidnessett Baptist Church. The message was from 2 Corinthians but we referenced several other verses.

God’s Sovereignty and Human Suffering

In this sermon, Pastor Jim spoke of Andrew Murray and how Andrew had been asked advice for a woman that was suffering. His response had been four statements of God’s sovereignty he uses for himself when he is in trials.

He brought me here. It is His will.
He will keep me here in his love and give me grace.
He will make this trial a blessing and work in me.
In his good time, He will bring me out.

Pastor Jim also spoke of three truths to ask ourselves when suffering.

God does not just allow suffering, but he sends it. It is a gift. Do I really believe in His sovereignty and that He is good? Will I gladly submit my will? Will I be content in him only?
God uses suffering as a teaching tool, to purge us of worldiness, pride, ease, and selfishness. It is used to conform us to the image of Christ and a glad submission to his sovereignty. It is used to develop a patient and mature faith. It is used so we are equipped to comfort others.
God controls the length of my suffering. Do not try to get out of it. Submit.

Luke 9: 23-24 Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”

The Cost of Control

My cousin Heather and I are reading The Cost of Control by Sharon Hodde Miller.

In this book, the author warns, “It all begins with the simple fact that control creates anxiety; Although we seek control as a solution to our anxiety, control also produces anxiety. It’s counterintuitive on the surface, but the more we try to control something uncontrollable, the more out of control we feel; Then, to quell our anxiety, we seek to control even more. . . The more we seek control, the more it exacerbates our anxiety rather than calms it.”

Focus on the Healer, Not the Healing

My point is this. I had been trying to control my cancer. I had been trying to cure myself. But God is bigger! He knows I am here. He knows my afflictions. He is with me as I go and grow through it. He has promised me He will not forsake me and He will use it for a purpose. He is in control! He is bigger than a chicken sandwich!

To My Son

Zach, learn from Mama. I love you and know you love me, but let’s stop worrying about my healing and focus on the healer. Know that I am right where I am supposed to be: In God’s hands. We don’t need to control it. We don’t need to work for it. God has a plan, and it is our job to trust Him. Let’s celebrate that He is doing something remarkable in me.

My personal struggles

Let’s Give Praise to God in Our Trials

April 15, 2023April 15, 2023
by Melissa

This Was a Hard Transition

I was told my hair was going to start falling out at week 2. I guess I assumed she meant my second round of chemo. Nope. I had chemo. Felt yucky for the first week, though not as bad as I had expected. And then on week 2, just as I had been warned, it started coming out.

The first time was in the shower. I was shampooing my hair and my hands were covered. Not gonna lie. I freaked out and screamed for Clayton. He came rushing in fearing I was hurt. And I was, but not in the physical sense. My insides felt crushed though. From there it started coming out by the handful for the next week.

Before I lost too much, we had a family photo shoot with Photography by Shaye Leigh. I wanted to capture one last time looking like myself- The way I see me when I look in the mirror. Though it is likely to grow back, it may not look like this.

Turning to God

This required serious Jesus power. I had been told it was going to be hard, but I was still thrown. Many tears were shed with each hair that came out. Lots of fear. What if I am ugly? What if my husband can’t stand looking at me? What if it looks scary to my kids? Won’t people be uncomfortable seeing me like this? Will I be treated differently when I look “sick”? So much anxiety. So much fear.

Isaiah 43:1-3 Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God.

Isaiah 43:10 “You are my witnesses” says the Lord, and my servant whom I have chosen. That you may know and believe me, and understand that I am He.

Luke 12: 22-23 And He said to His disciples, “therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food and the body is more than clothing (and I would say that includes hair)

Isn’t This What I Had Been Asking For

So many of my prayers are me asking God to use me. To show me where I can grow. To serve Him and reach others about His amazing Grace. Now I find myself in a spot where I am humbled. Left feeling weak and vulnerable. Publicly on display like never before. This may be the very moment I have been praying for. The Bible warned we would have trials, and we are going to suffer in this broken world. One of the reasons we suffer is so we can comfort others the way God comforts us (2 Corinthians 1:2-3). I know this cancer diagnosis has purpose. What if this is a moment where I am teaching my kids about how to suffer? I want them to suffer well, knowing God is in control. I want them to be content in all circumstances (2 Corinthians 12:9-10), trusting God through it all. Well by golly, I better get up off the ground, dust myself off, and show what is possible with God’s strength.

Wig shopping

God has proven He is with me throughout this cancer adventure. Get a load of this. The day before I was diagnosed, My mom had asked me to go with her to a wig shop. Her hair has been thinning over the past few years and she was considering a wig. I happily accepted her invitation.

While we were there, we learned about construction, types, brands, styles, and color. We had a fun time. But what really struck me while I was there, was something much bigger. I knew there was something powerful going on while we were there. We met a few beautiful women that shared their experience, and the woman that runs the shop is truly an angel. She devotes so much time to making each woman feel special and beautiful. I cried when I left there. Not sad tears really. But I was overcome with God’s presence. I didn’t realize until the next day, when I got the phone call about having cancer, that we were actually there for me. God had definitely used my mom as a tool that day. She didn’t even get anything. I think we were being introduced to the idea through my brave and loving mother.

So just as my hair was at it’s end, my mom and sister in law (and best friend) Michelle, joined me back at the wig shop.

Thankfully, being there with my besties made the whole experience less painful, and dare I say enjoyable? I didn’t get any of these pieces, but they all showed me something about fit or construction. I ended up ordering this wig, but not in the lilac color as shown. I had to choose the color from a tiny swatch, but hopefully it will be my natural color.

God Sends Me Messages

God is truly amazing. He will find ways to speak to us if we are open to hear what He has to say. For the days leading up to the big shave, my social media feeds were FULL of messages about strength, bravery, and faith. They were a huge help, and although I was reading them on my facebook page, I knew they were being sent by God himself.

Time for the Shave

Okay, it was time to get out the clippers! We tried to make the best of it. We set up a stool on the deck on this unusually warm April day. Blue skies and sunshine automatically make things better. We put some Zac Brown on the radio, another thing that makes everything better. We opted to play with the hair first, and try out a few styles. You know: a comb over, a mullet, a few others that do not, nor should ever be given names. Clay was hilarious. I have been cutting his hair for over 25 years and he loves to instruct me the whole time. It turns out it is more difficult than he thought.

It wasn’t it all laughs. There were some tears.

I have been told over and over again that I am strong, but if I am going to suffer well, I have to set the story straight. I am not. I am weak. In fact, I am a blubbering baby. When you see me being strong, that is God.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was give to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, most gladly, I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

So instead of telling me I am strong, let’s give praise where it is deserved, and instead let’s praise god.

My personal struggles

What Are We Celebrating Today?

March 25, 2023March 25, 2023
by Melissa

One little Word

Each year I choose one little word to focus on and grow with. This year my word is celebrate. I belong to a workshop with Ali Edwards, and she and her team give monthly prompts to assist in the personal growth through the chosen word. The assignment for March was by Liz Morgan Lamoureux, to imagine a conversation with your word, and turn it into a poem.

Poem With My Word

What Are We Celebrating Today?

By Melissa Pierce

Celebrate approaches me, skipping and singing, holding a cluster of balloons as they soar in the breeze. “How are you today? What are we celebrating?”

“I don’t feel much like celebrating today. The doctor gave me bad news.”

Celebrate barely blinks an eye and replies, “Well then, let’s turn to the Good News!”

The balloons vanish, and before me appears The Good Book. Celebrate flips it open, and the words leap off the page.

Celebrate reads, “ ‘For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, and whoever believes in Him, shall have everlasting Life. ‘ Now that is something to celebrate!” (John 3:16)

I smirk and reply. “My heart is burdened with fear, and celebrating just seems impossible.”

Celebrate flips through the pages and reads again, “ ‘Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ So there you have it!” Celebrate announces, “Let’s sing to the Heavens!” (Isaiah 41:10)

“My mind is too busy, contemplating the ‘what ifs’. So I just can not celebrate today.” As a tear rolls down my face.

“Well that is just silly,” chuckles Celebrate, as he turns the pages once again. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” He flips the pages and says. “Worrying just steals your joy. Listen here,” as he continues to read from the Holy Bible. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Matthew 6-34, Philippians 4:6-7)

Celebrate holds my hand, and I slowly look up. “Let’s pray together.”

“What can I pray for?” I sheepishly ask. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“That is no problem at all,” Celebrate answers. “Likewise the Sprit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26) “ So you see,” Celebrate explains. “God can hear your heart, so he knows what you need.” The pages move swiftly before stopping, and the reading continues. “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” (Mark 11:24)

“That sounds very encouraging,” I say and begin to brighten. But quickly scowl with concern. “I have seen others pray for healing, but they were not healed. How can that be explained?”

Celebrate pauses and looks into my eyes. “It is true that God allows pain and hardships in this broken world. It says so right here,” and the pages again, ruffle in a wind. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) The pages turn and Celebrate continues to read. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should as God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. (James 1:2-8)

I sat silently, contemplating all that Celebrate has said. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Together we sit silently and ponder.

“Oh Mighty and powerful Lord, hear my heart,.” I began to pray. Celebrate held my hands and together we bowed our heads.

“Lord, thank you for your son Jesus, as my Lord and living savior. Thank you for the Holy Spirit, as a helper that lives within me. My body, mind, heart and soul are under attack, and I pray for healing and protection that only You can provide. You bore my sins and afflictions on that cross and have the power to make me well. I give it to you and your will. Protect my mind from the darkness, and protect my heart from doubt. I pray, Lord, to suffer well. I trust in you, a God of faithful promises. I pray that when others look to me, they see you with my light. You are sufficient for me. I pray that You be the source of my peace and my joy, and I not rely on my circumstances.”

I paused, as the presence of God took over. My breathing was at ease and my tears dried. “In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”

My eyes open. “Let’s celebrate!” I say. “God is Good always!”

Celebrate grins and light radiates from us both. The Big Book fades, and each holding a cluster of balloons, we skip off into the sunset.

My personal struggles

Cancer May Be My Answer

March 22, 2023March 22, 2023
by Melissa

The Diagnosis

I have quickly come to realize that there is no good way to tell a loved one that you have cancer. It is a bombshell. Humor is my go to tactic for news and that seems insensitive. It doesn’t roll into a conversation naturally with a “oh by the way.” So i am just going to give it straight. I have cancer. I only just started saying that this week. I was relaying the news the same way my oncologist gave it to me. “The cancer cell count in my ovaries is elevated.”

I think my initial reaction can best be described as denial. But then i set to work on my healing.

I Turned to My Bible

I immediately sought out scripture about healing and the Good Book gives every reassurance that God heals.

I Peter 2:24 Who himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness- by whose stripes you were healed.

Jeremiah 30:17 For I will restore health to you, and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord.

Psalm 30:2 O Lord my God, I cried out to You andYou have healed me.

I prayed without ceasing. Believing with all my heart that God has the power to heal me and make it all go away.

Surgery to Chemo

The original plan was surgery. Plan A: go in laparoscopically and remove my ovaries and tubes. Plan B: Open me up for a full hysterectomy.

The week leading up to surgery had even more trials. My husband was sick and tested positive for Covid. He was hospitalized for a week the last time he had Covid, so that fear was lurking. I couldn’t risk getting it and couldn’t take care of him. I even moved out for a couple of nights and only got to see him through the window, true Social distancing.

Putting on the Suit of Armor

John 10:10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that you may have life, and that they may have it abundantly.

Ephesians 6:10-13 Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the Devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh or blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the Heavenly Places. Therefore, take up the whole armor ofGod, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done it all, to stand firm.

Psalm 91:9-12 Because you have made the Lord who is my refuge, even the most high your habitation, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling, for he shall give his angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways, they shall bear you up in their hands.

God loves Me and only has good for me, so in addition to praying to God, I also claimed my seat as an heir to the One true King. I laughed at Satan. I made it quite clear to him that the same power that roseJesus from the grave resides in me. Satan has no power over me or my home. (Romans 8:11)

Hard Truth

But here is a hard truth. Bad things happen because we live in a broken world. Bad things happen because we need to grow and develop as we mature our Christian faith. Bad things happen because they are used in a bigger plan.

This is proven in the book of Job. God himself described Job as blameless, a man of complete integrity, feared God, and stayed away from Evil. God allowed Satan to inflict all kinds of suffering on Job.

Paul in 2 Corinthians 12 asked God to relieve him of his pain, but God told him no, his grace would be sufficient.

The point is this

I Was Being Tested

I could hear God. “Melissa. I love you. Do you still love me even amidst your pain? Will you still rejoice in me even if you are not healed?”

I am always praying to God to reveal my heart. To show me my iniquities. To use me as a tool. It was time to submit myself to Him.

Submit to Him

James 4:14-15 Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”

Surgery to Chemo

Clayton was still sick with Covid and I was blessed to have so many loved ones that wanted to take me. My sister in law and dearest friend was given the assignment and was my perfect companion. She had a hard job. Actually, I am convinced my family has this ordeal way harder than I do, and I was sorry to see how much everyone is hurting.

While we began laparoscopically, It turned out we had to go with an unanticipated Plan C. The ovarian cancer had spread like a small dust onto my colon and intestines. Surgical removal was not an option. I am now scheduled for my first dose of chemo this Friday.

Where am I physically, mentally, and spiritually?

I feel good.
Physically I am sore. Moving is difficult and I tire easily.
Mentally I am ready. My support group is amazing.
Spiritually I am strong. Gods presence is everywhere and I see his hand in every tiny detail. It is so obvious where He has put something in place ahead of time to prepare me for this adventure. No one knows what lies ahead, but I already see good coming out of it. Praying and love, growing closer to God, and sharing the gospel are all outcomes.

James 1:2-8 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Isaiah 43:10 “You are my witnesses” says the Lord “and my servant whom I have chosen. That you may know and believe me, and understand that I am He”

This scripture has been showing up repeatedly the past few weeks. The truth is, I feel chosen. I know God is in control and won’t let me suffer more than I can handle through His grace. Just look at all the content this provides for me to share with others!

So here is my mission. I hope not to fall more than I succeed. I want to use this trial to show the love and grace of God when we let Him handle it. I want to show His strength. I want people to say ”How are you doing this?” And for me to say “By the grace of God.” And then for them to say “I need to know this God” and then I can invite them to accept the gift of a living savior. If this adventure can be used to lead others to Christ, particularly those that I have been in my prayers for years, it will so be worth it. Maybe cancer will be the answer.

My personal struggles

So Much To Digest

March 25, 2022March 25, 2022
by Melissa

If we seek, He will speak

I haven’t blogged in a bit. Not because I haven’t been walking with the Lord, but because there has just been so much content to sort through.

It started with a book that I was listening to in the car regarding healthy food choices, but it ended up feeding my soul. As I was listening, I was making changes in the way I saw food. It seemed life changing, however it turned out to be ”three week changing”. I have since bought the print version and plan to read it and devour each word.

However, In this book, she recommended another that I then downloaded in audible format for the car. I havent gotten very far into the book yet, but the message so far is a warning to the church. It says that the modern contemporary church preaches about the abundance of blessings, God’s love, and his plans for us (all biblically true), but often omits the study of sin, hell, and the reasons to fear the Lord. The author explains that this negligence results in the members not fully knowing who God is, limits their relationship with God, and fails to prepare them for tough times.

At the same time that I was listening to these books, I was also attending the online services at Quidnessett Baptist Church for the study on the book of Job. Pastor Jim reitterated the same beliefs as Ray Comfort’s book. The book of Job is that of hard times and details severe sorrow. It can be painful to read as you see Job’s grief, and for that reason I never really liked reading from these pages. But as Pastor Jim teaches from the pulpit, I am fervently taking notes, and have an insatiable thirst for more.

What am I learning?

I have not been satisfied in my local churches over the past few years. My attendance was poor, and although I wanted to be there, wanting and needing to be fed, I usually left empty. The messages seemed to be worded carefully, as to not offend or scare anyone away. I understand the church wants to recruit and keep its members, but at what expense? The messages are often lacking in the meat and potatoes. My intent here is to not speak ill of the church, but to share the understanding that in order to grow spiritually and become who God wants us to be, we have to learn it all.

Prayer

Dear Lord, I approach you this morning with a humble heart. I am thankful for so many wise and knowledgable people and resources. Help me to process and learn. Help me to seek out lessons and truth in your word. In Jesus name, Amen.

Devotions

I Should Have Dressed In The Armor of God

January 29, 2022January 29, 2022
by Melissa

I Made Some Mistakes

I made some major mistakes this week. I knew that I was making them, but kept on. Today I read the chapter called , ”Face The What ifs, Even If You’re Afraid.” Mistake #1 Read from God’s word everyday, not just the weekend when it is easier to make time. Maybe if I had made the time each morning, I would have avoided more mistakes

What Is Fear

Fear is often defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous. But when I look at my mistakes this week, I see that they were the result of fear. Not because I had a dangerous threat. In fact, when I look back at it, there was no outcome to have feared. Regardless, fear is the emotion I was experiencing.

I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of looking stupid. I was afraid of being a disappointment. I was afraid to be out of my comfort zone. I was afraid of learning something new. I was afraid to admit a lack of knowledge. I was afraid of hard work.

My Reactions Were Fueled By Fear

Now for the power of reflection when I spend time with God. So often we are called to do something, but many times the ”something” is merely a tool to have us learn something different entirely.

Although my ”somethings” involved taxes, W2s, 1099s, profit and loss statements, certified payroll and prevailing wage, these are not the ”somethings” that matter in the big picture. What God was really calling me to do was to lean on him, pause in each moment to feel His presence, to have faith that God will provide me with what I need, to maintain self control, to find contentment in all circumstances, and to do it all to please Him.

Ther lies the long list of mistakes there after. Not only did I make mistakes in the “somethings” at work, but I also failed in my Jesus following somethings. I cursed, I cried with frustration, I quit, and I doubted everything. I see some areas where I have improved in my reactions to others, but I rarely extend the same grace to myself.

Had I read today’s reading throughout the week, I would have been dressed in the armor of God.

Ephesians 6:10-18

Sheila Walsh shared the following verses

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of Fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Matthew 17:20 Jesus told them, ”I tell you the truth, if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain ’move from here to there’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.

Matthew 19:26 Humanly speaking it is impossible, but with God everything is possible.

There is a very good chance that my outcomes and reactions would have been different had I been reminded of these truths daily.

And on a side note, had my circumstances and season of life been different, I think the message from today’s reading might have been different as well. That’s how God works.

Prayer

Good morning, God. I come to you this morning with a heavy heart. I made mistakes. I went about my week in the flesh and of this world. I let my daily tasks rule over me and I allowed Satan to break into my heart. I see where I need to improve and I pray for your forgiveness, patience, and grace. I want to focus on what YOU are asking of me. It is not enough just to invite you into my day, but I need to submerge myself into your word to arm myself with your truths. Lord, help me prioritize and make time. Thank you, Lord, for your unconditional love. In Jesus name, Amen.

Devotions

Let Go. Let God.

October 10, 2020October 10, 2020
by Melissa

We let go of more than our children when our nest empties.

My personal struggles

Would Jesus Wear a Facemask?

May 9, 2020May 10, 2020
by Melissa

Category: My personal struggles

Recovering From Surgery

Going Forward

Pity Party

Longsuffering?

Mold Me and Use Me

Sins revealed

Thankful

One Little Word

Celebrate Through Photos

He Speaks to Me

John 16:20

Prayer

This Might Be Messy

Quidnessett Baptist Church

The Cost of Control

Focus on the Healer, Not the Healing

To My Son

This Was a Hard Transition

Turning to God

Isn’t This What I Had Been Asking For

Wig shopping

God Sends Me Messages

Time for the Shave

One little Word

Poem With My Word

The Diagnosis

I Turned to My Bible

Surgery to Chemo

Putting on the Suit of Armor

Hard Truth

I Was Being Tested

Submit to Him

Surgery to Chemo

Where am I physically, mentally, and spiritually?

If we seek, He will speak

What am I learning?

Prayer

I Made Some Mistakes

What Is Fear

My Reactions Were Fueled By Fear

Ephesians 6:10-18

Sheila Walsh shared the following verses

Prayer

We let go of more than our children when our nest empties.

I am struggling with my emotions and feelings as we are given more restrictions and executive orders.